Every market junkie and CNBC fan loves Maria Bartiromo. While CNBC has a first rate staff on the air and behind the scenes, let's admit it, Maria is the most beautiful. Whether the market goes up or down, we all love to watch Maria.
But, how many of us know that Maria's hair can serve as a guide to the market. Even if you turn off the sound and block the ticker on the bottom of the screen, you can still follow, and even anticipate, market trends by carefully observing Maria's new hairdo.
So, if you would like to become a full-fledged Maria watcher and maybe make some money on the side, take a look at this table:
Maria Hair Status
|Maria's cowlicks are usually under control, but watch for pending market action as her hair mousse starts to evaporate and the market readies for action. Smart traders know that this means stay tuned and pay close attention to upcoming statistics and, of course, Maria's hair.|
|When Maria's cowlicks go completely out of control, this means that something big is in the offing and it is going to be good news for the market. It might be a big merger, higher jobless claims or a drop in the prime rate, but certain follicles are especially sensitive to changes in the air. After a recent SEC complaint, Maria agreed to pay closer attention to her telltale follicles, so keep a close watch and when she looks ready to press the silent alarm to summon her stylist, get on the phone to your broker and BUY, BUY, BUY!|
|When the cowlicks start branching out from the center, this is the time for a rally in specialty stocks. Pay close attention to the NASDAQ and take another look at those small cap issues you passed on the other day. It is time to diversify. While cowlick rampage might not bode ill for the Dow, it offers a golden opportunity for the small cap investor.|
|Pay attention to the curvature of those cowlicks. When they flip curvature, it is time to scramble back for cover under the big market indices. You won't be the only one backing away from small caps when Maria's hair and the Dow Jones averages are going through the roof.|
|When Maria's cowlicks start going negative it is time to check your portfolio and move out of your softer, more speculative holdings. A downturn is pending, but savvy investors can find safe harbor. Remember, Maria's hair doesn't just follow the obvious trends; it can integrate low level market transients to warn of upcoming downturns. Consider getting a new, perkier hair style (like Maria's) and selling short for both psychic and monetary returns.|
|When Maria's hair gives you this "what, are you still holding equities?" look it is time you liquidated your position and checked in with your stylist. Is it the end of the world? No way! Not with this market, but you might consider battening the hatches and bracing for a serious market correction.|
Whatever the market does, be sure to tune into CNBC and take a look at Maria Bartiromo's hair. It sure beats watching Alan Greenspan!
© Copyright Kaleberg Symbionts 1998